Conversation's in a bar 2

"Hey Alec, what's the craic mate? Happy New Year to ye"

 "Aye Happy New Year to you too Liam, mines a pint"

"Catch yerself on I got them in the last time"

"Oh aye that's right, what'll it be then, usual? Ok I'll bring em over"
"There you are mate get that down yer neck".

"Cheers Alec, well what sort of New Year did you have?

"Ach just the usual. Went up to her Aunt Sadie's and had a bit of a hoolee. Most of the family was there".

"Good time then"?

"It was ok, SHE had a bit too much of the old vino and ended up with broken neck disease so we had to put her in the spare room. Then big Charlis got involved in a friendly discussion with Uncle George about football. That got a bit heated and there was nearly a row as big as a fight.
So I told him to wind his neck in or I would put his lights out. It all settled down after that and we did the Auld Lang Sang thing. What the feck does 'Auld Lang Sang' mean anyway. After that I just got drunk and fell asleep on the settee".

"Football eh, hateful game. Most fights are caused by football, that and religion".

"Aye, I know but sure you gotta support yer wee team. Anyway what about your New Year, how'd it go"?

"Don't talk fer feck sake".

"C'mon, spill the beans, what have ya done this time"?

"Well you know the way she's Chinese"

"Chinese, away til' feck I didn't know that. Did you get her from one of those mail order thingys"?

"No, don't be daft, she's from the Ormeau Road"

"But you said she was Chinese"!!!

"She is, her Ma and Da are from China but she was born in Belfast. The Royal I think".

"All the same, it must hard, what with the auld Chinese accent and all"

"Wise the bap Alec, she talks with a broad Belfast accent just like me and you".

"Oh right, sorry mate I just thought, ya know. Anyway you didn't tell me about your New Year, good time"?

"Not really, I'll tell you quickly then I'll have to go"

"Touch of the old thumb print on the head there mate"


"Look are you gonna listen or what"?

"Ok ok, wind yer neck in I was only slagging, go ahead".

"Well we had a couple in her house and then we got a Joe Baxy round to her Ma and Da's. I wanted to go to mine but she started yappin so she won as usual. Anyway to cut a long story short, we got there and of course I wanted to make a good impression.
So as soon as the door opened and the two of them were standing there I shoved a bottle of Black Bush into her Da's hand and give her Ma a big hug. A big no no I found out later. I should've waited to be introduced.
So then we went into the house, had to take our shoes of fer feck sake and I had a  hole in me sock with me big toe sticking out. That was bad enough but then they gave us slippers to wear but you know the size of my feet.
Her Ma went and made tea (they don't drink) and Lin interpreted 'cause they spoke hardly any english, I felt like a spare prick at a wedding, me being the only non chinese there and all. Anyway, moving on, it got to about 30 seconds to midnight and I was counting down in me head.
On the first stroke of midnight I jumps up and grabs Lin to do the old Auld Lang Sang crossed arms thing, her Ma and Da looked at me as if I was mad. So I thinks I  know I'll do the first footin' 'cause I had the gear with me. Out the door I goes and stuck on the black wig I had bought just for the occasion".

"What the feck was the black wig for"?

"Well with me with the ginger hair and all it's meant to be bad luck, isn't it? Anyway wig on, lump of coal in hand, I knocks the door.
When the door opens it's her Ma, I holds up the coal and yells "Happy New Year" and makes a go to hug her. She screams at the top of her voice, The Da charges out knocks me flat on my back, Lin sweeps out behind him, trails me up by the arm and swears at me in chinese then pushes me down the street while I'm shouting back "No I'm really ginger Laim"

"Jeez Laim what are ya like"

"Well how was I to know the Chinese New Year was the middle of January fer feck sake.
Anyway, thats my pint done so I'm of before I make a bigger ejit of meself. See ya next week"

"Will you not stay for another one big son".

"Na I'm still in the bad books fer feck sake, better get on"

"Ok mate see ya next week"